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Page updated January 2005. Happy New Year to you all.




"A worm's eye view of clubland and hatchet job on Sheffield stand-up, panto stalwart and Emmerdale's Albert Dingle, Bobby Knutt & bodybuilder wife Donna Hartley. Everything connected with clubland is in here. Brother Leas used to do comedy Max Wall impressions on Generation Game, Judith Stamper used to present Look North. Verse 3 refers to Ray Moore's Bog Eyed Jog." - Pat Hancock

We've got a dancefloor, it's like the TARDIS,
If you want a Sunday football team we've got the fucking hardest
A desert rat with a porkpie hat who's very belt and braces
He's got a tip in the 3.15 in a seller at Ripon races
Friday night is cabaret night, we'll throw in pies and peas
I'll tell you what kid, for an extra quid we could've had the Brother Leas
And bloated blokes tell racist jokes and quote from Chubby Brown
It might be alright for a night alright, don't follow em into town

Eyup Knutty, you're obscene,
Eyup Knutty get into the clubland scene
Bingo, strippers & conversation,
Affiliate yourself with the information

I'm in a whirl with a factory girl and I don't think anyone's seen us
But here comes a brute in a C&A suit to take me to the cleaners
I will gurn and the turn shall burn, the death of the Hokey Cokey
Coming up soon in the concert room is a clapped out karaoke
I'm mortified and fortified by the organ/drums crescendo
A subject sore for a mother in law so we're on to the innuendo
Feast your eyes, fantastic prize, champagne and a Netto hamper
Live in fear with beer for a year and a date with Judith Stamper

Charity champ, chin up, you're doing tireless
Charity work, wake up you're on the wireless
And I've a mind to tell you you're a moron
And with a kind reminder there's a war on
Bobby Knutt's doing his best to entertain
A muscle bound missus with mortar on the brain
Cabaret king, oh won't you take a bow sir?
Tap room belly laugh, can I do you now sir?



"More localised observations with a cryptic rant on the death of Princess Diana in last verse. Packed with obscure showbiz references which you might want to know about. Annette Firman is early 80's Grange Hill character with Crystal Tipps hair, Barry Anthony was South Yorks clubland female impersonator from 60's. Santiago Luna is a Chilean golfer. Velez Sarsfeld was venue in 1978 World Cup in Argentina. 'Yoffi lifts a finger' is a line from theme to Fingerbobs." - Pat Hancock

Spawny, wiry Annette Firman-tastic girls on Janeycam
A late night stammer but the kids want Hammer gotta do these things
Strolling back from criptonezia, anaemic Barry Anthony fans
Said they were ecstatic, the Manor Operatic, how?

I've got the chance to see yer
I grin from ear to ear
It's my greatest fear

Sprawling teenage anorexic's Christmas Card from Kelly Temple
Now she's a top performer on the main stage
As you and yours went into town, we were on the fast track down
Anorak and trainers, you've got to entertain us, now…

Culled my skills from Santiago Luna
Should have left the Velez Sarsfeld sooner
Reminded us we all adore Atora
But your right, I don't think much of Richie Sambora

Surly Ambridge middle England Jackanory elecution
Master takes a wrong turn into Burngreave
His mademoiselle says 'Donnez Moi the leaping lies of Lochnagare'
Scooping up the former was a continental trauma, How?

Yoffi lifts a finger…


Sitting in the sunlounge staring at the comics,
She studies at the London School of Economics.
Laurie Cunningham and Brendan Batson
Crawl from the wreckage of a smashed-up Datsun.
Winton Cooper, Eddie Large,
Drunken drivers. "Book 'em Sarge!"
Wilson's in the tap-room, Kepple's with his mates,
Betty's in the Winter Gardens supping Thwaites.

Lytham is a dancer. Lytham is a mile away.

She was pushing drugs and I was feeling dirty.
She was feeling shit and I was pushing thirty.
I'm not picky, I'm not fussy,
Know Faith Brown's a brazen hussy.
Standing in the shadows, taking it in turns,
Jumping on the sunbed to look like Donnie Burns.
She was coming on to me like Nina Myskow,
I was in the corner like Stefan Kyskow.

Lytham is a dancer. Lytham is a mile away.

Rolf on Saturday, Rolf on crutches,
Left for dead by the Bispham butchers.
Johnners - Gonners, ashes scattered,
Made a will as and when it mattered.
Cropping up in conversations in the park,
Shelling out on Shahrastani in the Arc.
Christian buzzwords count out Castle.
Eli Woods was a lot less hassle.

Lytham is a dancer. Lytham is a mile away.


Heikki Hermunun, hell of a guy
Lakeside Country Club left me to die
Beggar my neighbour, take control
Bugger me backwards, bless my soul
This Kexi Heinaharju Hotline's still engaged
301 Norwegian Masters, Verajkul still on stage

Yokosuma fan hit me for six
Deaf-blind Saukkonen sent us a Twix
Larsen, Hoffman go alone
And get Dougie Donnelly closer to home
These Roland Ratzenberger new spaghetti shapes
Shit-faced young industrial worker
Sprawled out in The Grapes

Out on the oche an indestructible mound
Throws an eight dart finish and then bows to the crowd
Keep out of the black bits, get into the red
You get nothing in this game for three in a bed
Fifteen Scandinavians stagger out to take their aim
Spineless Flemish darts professional swoops to take the game.


Bold Ambition took me to a party,
Woke up high on crack with Capriati,
She can't work out where her bed is.
But I know where she keeps the Shreddies.
Nina Baden-Semper turned up on a scooter,
And justified the general need for a computer.
Icke-like, Pike-like, slender looking stranger,
Moonsize, spoonsize, dependable in danger.

Here I stand and stare at scenic
Scenes that reek of unhygienic,
Hold this pint while I go get these
Six young ladies pissed on Tetleys.
Sourfaced sows and sickstained piglets
Fight like dogs for Twists and Twiglets,
Shit-faced student nurse gets cocky,
And pays the price in Horse & Jockey.

Keep the peace with timely interventions,
Softness and the strength of our intentions.
Hapless, hopeless tax adviser
Helps himself to crisps and Tizer.
Teenage tarty piece won't wrestle,
Devious dames from Stackton Tressle.
Midnight strikes, it's time to ambush
Fat kids on a fifth form pram-push.

Memorabilia in the meantime:

gratuitous sex scene - NO!  DON'T LOOK! Readers' Wives

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